Thursday, May 17, 2012

Recovery Challenge - Day 30

List your stats again. Did this help you at all?

Height: (STILL) 5'2"
Weight: 104
 I would say it helped a little. My life has actually been looking a little better lately. School hasn't been too bad, and my hair has started growing back. YAY! Sadly, my issues at home and with my family are still pretty awful... Over the course of my eating disorder, I have learned a lot of things that I probably would have never learned without these experiences. I wish it was easy enough to just flip a switch and turn off my eating disorder, but it isn't. I will continue to work on it, and dream about the life I want to have in my future, so hopefully it will eventually come!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Recovery Challenge - Day 29

Challenge yourself again in some way today. Whether it be being more social, eating more, eating another fear food, etc. Explain.

I have tried to be a little more social. Which, for me, that means going from "Not looking at anyone, talking to anyone, or acting like anyone is even near me." to "Looking more people in the eyes, smiling, and helping people on math questions they have (even though that one really annoys me)."
Plus my mom is making some kind of chicken recipe in the crock pot with chicken, onions, cheese, and rice. It smells super delicious, so maybe I will try some for dinner tonight too!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Day 28 - Recovery Challenge

What do you need to improve on in order to advance mentally and or physically towards recovery? Explain how you plan on actually moving forward with these goals!

  Since I have found out that it is impossible (in my situation) to try to change anybody else, or even try to get them to understand, I still need to do my best to heal. I can try to focus on only me, and not worry about anyone else. I can try to avoid arguments (even though some of them are extremely hard to avoid). I can work hard at everything I do now so I have the life I want to in the future (doing good in school, etc.). I can keep a positive attitude and look forward to the things coming. Finally, I still must try to convince myself that it is okay to eat all the yummy foods I crave all the time.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Day 27 - Recovery Challenge

Create a letter of everything you would write to your eating disorder as if it were a real life person.

Dear ED,
     You have come at the perfect time in my life. I was in need of a way to cope with all that was going on. You made me feel good... but only for a short amount of time. You have caused me a lot of misery, both physical and mental, as well as emotional. Turns out, you have done absolutely nothing to boost my self esteem or give me more friends or make me feel any better about myself. You are pretty much all I think about... which has made school so much harder, which I do not appreciate. Yes, you may be a coping mechanism... but a deadly one. I do not want to live with you any longer. This is easier said than done, as I know it isn't possible to just say goodbye and move on with my life. Yet, one day I will be happy and you won't have a part in my life. I will eat without worrying about you. I will exercise without worrying about you. You will not hold me back from the things I really want to do.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Day 26 - Recovery Challenge

Eating disorders often come hand in hand with social anxiety and or depression. Start 1 conversation today with someone you don’t normally speak to. How did it go?

Oh gosh. Yep. Instant anxiety just reading this one. I might need a few days to complete it.

UPDATE: I have yet to complete this one...

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Day 25 - Recovery Challenge

What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

Bread, anything with a lot of sugar or fat, anything fried, peanut butter, butter, ice cream, pizza, cheese,  pancakes, syrup, doughnuts, pasta.

UPDATE: I was really afraid of doing this challenge today.But I did end up completing it. My mom was watching TV on the couch, while eating chips and salsa. So, I had half of a chip, dipped in a little bit of salsa. It was good :) My mom was proud of me.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Day 24 - Recovery Challenge

Where were you in terms of your eating disorder 6 months ago? Describe how you’ve changed.

Six months ago was December. I had only had an eating disorder for a few months at the time. It was pretty bad in December. I was probably eating about 700 calories a day. I was reluctant to add any more food to my diet. I had to get my blood drawn. EEK. I was always dizzy and exhausted. I even saw myself as too thin, yet I couldn't make myself eat more... it is so weird how anorexia messes with your brain. I was having to regularly see a cardiologist to monitor my heart because it was so weak. I spent 100% of my time thinking about food and calories, I couldn't even focus at all in school. I was always in a bad mood.
Currently, though, I'm able to focus a little better in school. I have made it to my goal weight.(My doctor said she's never seen someone's weight recover so quickly) Sadly, I see myself as morbidly obese... even though I am barely in a normal weight range. My hair has started to grow back a little (even though it's still falling out). Usually I eat the same foods every day, although some days I am able to change one food item. I'm trying hard to recover, but its so hard... especially when your own family doesn't support you. I just wish things were better...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Day 23 - Recovery Challenge

List 2 positive things that happened to you today.

Well.... don't have much homework! That's good. I took some pictures of my dog (who had surgery last week) wearing his cone. The pictures turned out really cute. I love dogs :)

A positive thing that happened yesterday that I really wanted to share would be my experience with my Spanish teacher. I had to go to her classroom after school to take a test. When I got in there, she asked me if my brother drove me home. I told her no, because we fight a lot. The conversation led into all the issues going on in my family... and after I finished telling her all about it, she told me that if I ever needed someone to talk to, she'd be there to listen. Then she told me that when she was a kid, her parents didn't get along and ended up divorcing. And that when they separated, it was better because she didn't have to see them fighting. After I left her classroom after I took my test, I thought about what she was saying. Wow, my teacher had to go through this when she was a kid and seemed to know what I was talking about exactly. Then I thought about it some more. She always brings her lunch to school and I see her put it in her fridge in the room. She eats super healthy, which made me feel good because I feel like people think I'm weird because I eat so healthy. She is a triathlete. She raves about her children and husband and things they do together all the time. She has a nice husband, even though her parents didn't get along at all -- I'm worried that I'm going to marry somebody like my dad.... it gave me a lot of confidence that there are nice people to marry out there. From just that one conversation, I gained a BUNCH of respect for her. So, there really are teachers that care about you! :)
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